It has long been a dream for Mildred to become a member in good standing of the Red Hat Ladies. To this end she has written several letters and made numerous phone calls. At long last the snubby pisspots consented. Mildred's error in my opinion, was including myself, Iris, Ethel, and heaven help us, Snivel.
When the box of hats themselves arrived Mildred was beside herself. She wore the obnoxious thing everywhere she went. Iris and I found our bonnets to be quite itchy and cumbersome.
I digress.
The first meeting was to be held at a chinese buffet. The moment Iris heard this she immediately set her own plan in place. I confess, I did play a part in it but, it was a joke!
In short, I drugged Ethel's cat. Iris loaded the nasty thing into her handbag and off we went. The deed itself required Iris and I to visit the bar for a healthy dose of liquid courage. Once we'd had our fill of bravery juice we slipped the cat onto the buffet table.
It would seem neither the Red Hat Ladies nor the owners of the Chinese Buffet possess a sense of humor. I can't help but wonder if things might have gone better had Ethel not fainted and fallen face first into the mu shu pork.
We have been banned from both the Red Hat Ladies and the Chinese Buffet. Worst of all, the snobbish prats in the Red Hat club snatched Mildred's beloved hat from her noggin, tossed it on the floor and STOMPED ON IT! It's crushed beyond recognition. Iris tried to ment it but to no avail.
Mildred is in a state of grave depression.
Ethel's cat appears to have had a bad reaction to the valium. When she woke up she began walking sideways, crab-like. And two days later continues to do so.
Something about a side-stepping feline appeals to Snivel, who now wishes to purchase Ethel's cat offering various potions and trinkets. For the past 2 days the gypsy has followed Ethel about asking, "How much for the cat?"
Ethel as you might imagine is on the warpath.
25 comments:
My Peter actually coordinated my outfit so nicely - since I have a hard time SEEing these days he put it together with such flare and aplumb, sewing together a handbag to match my stupid red had and purple pants AND make it big enough to comfortably house ethel's cat. Even if he's a selfish gay bastard sometimes, there are times that make me realize I still love my little fairy boy. Peter would make an excellent daughter!
Those Red Hat bitches can rot in hell. They are humorless, uptight prissy pollyannas. And it's my job to make Mildred cry, not them.
Douchebags!
WHat happened to my ears?
Did they end up in the fried rice??
My poor kitty, Boots.
DOUCHEBAGS????
Sarah, you ain't never herd of a douchbag before? It's a fuckin bag with a garden hose you clean your pussy with.
Why I gotta be the edjicater around this rat shit hole, I don't know.
Now, now now, there will be no more douchebag talk. Grab your knitting, girls - let's go to the community room for afternoon tea!
Oh sweet Jesus, I just got a note from Peter here on the magic box. Says he's done tucking it in and he's becoming a woman! Oh dear lord, well I always did want a daughter!
OOOOOHHHH!
My rosary just burst into flames.
Shirley, you are responsible for this.
And you better double those hormones, you are growing a beard.
Iris, do you think Peter will need a douchebag now?
I have no idea how any of this works, dear. Do they just lop off his stuff? Or do they make a hole too? Back in the day, men didn't lop off their man parts.
I'm very distraught and confused!
He wants to be called Petra now. Dear lord.
If they lop it off, I bet you could sell it to that negress gypsy in Granny's room.
I shudder to think what snivel would do with a human penis, lopped off or not!!!!
I'm going to sell it on eBay
Knit my puckered asshole, Anita. I ain't knittin shit.
Ethel go fuck yerself. Ain't nobody else gonna do it nohow.
Peter, if you wanted to give that penis one more go round afore y'all snip it off I wouldn't say no. how big would you say tis? It does still stand up, don't it?
Listen up snivley. I don't give two shits and whistle how much magic spells you think you got workin here.
Keep yer raggedy ass out my shit. I called dibs on the homo dick first. Mess with me agin and I'll come clean yer clock for ya. Read me?
How can everyone just go on like nothing has happened? Doesn't anyone care that my heart is broken into bits?
not partikulerly.
Mildred, I am sorry about the loss of your Red Hat, but excuse me... my son is about to lose his... PINK hat if you get my drift. I am freaking out, dear! RODNEY! Have you seen my fucking dog????
I NEED TO PET MY FUCKING DOG!!!! HERE DUBBIN DUBBIN DUBBIN!
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gab, welcome to Willowbrooke! It's so nice to see you, dear. Do visit all the time. It gets so dull here with all the old folks.
Gladys, 3 napkins? This ain't the ritz, you prissy bitch. And take off those wannabe Barbara Bush pearls. everybody here nos their fake.
Well, Dottie dear, do you mind if I call you Dottie? No one was supposed to eat Ethel's pussy.
It was a joke gone awry!
Who ate Ethel's pussy? how the hell did that one toothed bitch get a lick and slide when I can't.
oh, this can't be good.
jq dear, of course we are still here. We are inmates. What else are we going to be doing?
And I see you are still at it dear. I see you are still at it with no clothing on.
Granny Mae has come down with Legionnaire's Disease! I blame Snivel.
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